Hi everyone – unfortunately, my ex-husband got in trouble from his employer for a post I posted on FB (that they had removed, but if anyone has a screenshot of it, please email me). I’m going to be deactivating my account since Facebook won’t allow me to change name w/o identification (yet you can vote w/o ID, but whatever, right?). I kept my ex’s name because my daughter was young when we divorced. I have been Laura Freed 22 years! And also, it was the easiest, shortest name I’d ever had. I’ve used Pen Names in the past and got grilled for ‘not being who I am.’. So. If you ever wonder what I’m doing or writing; http://www.sorrybob.com – I tried to pick a name that is easy to remember. And if the Abington Police try to shut that down, also, I’ll figure out something new. (PS, Abington, my ex has told me NOTHING and the fact you even questioned a dedicated employee gives me great pause as to your integrity.) I’m looking for a new name. Also NOT taking my current husbands name because 1) who thought it would last (!!), 2) I’m afraid to jinx it now, #) it’s long, 4)it’s common, and if I have to start again, I’m going to pick one name, put ALL of my books under that name, and go from there. Sorry to any family who are embarrassed by me. I’ve tried to remain under the radar for awhile now, non-confrontational, and post only positive crap. It has only taught me that being quiet is good for harmony, however, when you point out anything that gives you pause or try to show a different side of things, you get crapped on. Be honest everyone says. Be yourself. Had I posted on the Abington Police page with a fake name, maybe they wouldn’t have freaked out. Good lesson to everyone. Also, Abington Police, let’s not forget I came up with the idea for/held a fundraiser because you had to buy your bullet proof vests at one time – and after the public found out they changed the POLICY and they are PAID FOR NOW. You’re WELCOME.
Yesterday, May 31, I intentionally went to a plastic surgeon and had my fake, saline, toxic boobs punctured in order to deflate them, and later to remove the implant (and possibly the capsules).
It is almost 10 (2007) years since I had them “put in” and I know when people do things the regret, they often say, “I don’t know what I was thinking at the time!”
But I do know what I was thinking.
It is human nature for us to aspire. I’ve come to learn that there are 4 things that we aspire toward: we aspire to be better, to belong, to believe, and to be someone.
For me, getting fake boobs was aspiring to get some of my youth back. To be “better.” And to belong to the “sexy” group. I was influenced at the time by all the fake famous boobs in our culture. Bay Watch, Carmen Electra, that Spice Girl married to that Soccer Star. Even a few of my friends had gotten boob jobs.
After three kids, my once perky little “C”/big “B” cups were droopy.
After I’d gone to a nudist beach (so boring, a lot of old people and families with kids! It was horrifying), I remember one of the people I’d gone with had mentioned to another friend that I had droopy boobs.
Well, this stuck with me and I was forever wearing pushup bras and very self-conscious and tried to never get caught with my bra off.
How crazy that I put so much emphasis on my breasts, right? But all you have to do is pick up any magazine or watch any show or work around guys or walk into a mechanics shop or listen as the world eagerly anticipates the drop of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition. “Who will be the cover model?” everyone asks– when really, no one cares, they just want to see perky boobs and perky bums – women that look like they are 15 (or perhaps, 13 as sexy seems to have gotten younger).
Then you’ve got the liberals and feminists and Cosmopolitan magazine articles saying beauty doesn’t really matter (and yet, those same liberals/fems/CosmoArticles are the producers, directors, writers, putting the money behind the sexy actresses and models). Add in a president cheating on his wife with a young busty intern.
It’s all so contradictory!
On the one hand I’m told be confident of my body, no matter what, and on the other hand, I’m given the message, if you want to be loved, admired, gotta aspire to have boobs that smile at the world, not the sidewalk.
When I had the opportunity to have a boob job in 2007, I researched it. It was safe. I knew saline was not meant to last more than ten years (though I’d read articles that some women never changed them.) I was certainly not told about the possibility of Breast Implant Associated Lymphoma (also known as BIA-ALCL) Though the medical community was aware of this, it was not being talked about. And never did I even stop to consider that the way they would implant my boobs (through my armpit!) might damage the lymph nodes. I was going to a very well respected plastic surgeon (who my friend had used) and he didn’t mention it. Though, you would think as a paramedic, I might have thought about it. You would think even if I had not been a paramedic, it would just be common sense!
Here is the thing that plastic surgeons mention, but they don’t really discuss. When something (anything) is placed in your body, your body says, “Wait a minute. One of these things is not like the other and does not belong here!” And your body, miracle that it is, will being to form scare tissue around that object trying to wall it off from healthy organs. It then becomes what it known as a “capsule” around a breast implant. And even though I had saline, the shell is made of silicone. Silicone that is considered a bio-hazard.
Some ladies are fortunate in that their bodies ‘lean into’ the implants. They don’t form very hard capsules. But if you do a google search for capsule contraction surgery on youtube, you will see (very gross!) capsules that are like cement. Some that are like layers upon layers of calcium.
I knew none of this 10 years ago.
And I went and got REALLY HUGE BOOBS because two doctors tried to tell me I needed a lift and implants, but the last doctor said if he just filled the implants really large, it would be like getting a lift AND implants and I’d be fuller and much perkier!
The picture I posted in this article is of my breasts before they were deflated. Notice how thin my neck is? I have been heavy, medium, and thin depending on different stages of my life. But I have small wrists, small neck, and my body frame is meant to be thin/fit. When I added those huge melons, it just made everything out of whack. For the first year after getting the boobs, I actually gained weight so I looked more proportionate.
But those fake boobs would end up teaching me a-lot about myself, about our culture, and about doctors and medicine, and hysterical women, and women (and men) who would help each other sight unseen, simply because they shared a common bond of boobs.
To Be Continued!
In my life, I have been not so attractive, and I have been quite attractive (not to brag or anything).
Most people would call me cheerful, creative, and free spirited.
Some people, like my husband, call me crazy.
He was an inspiration because he never complained and his sense of humor remained sharp and strong.
Recently, I’ve learned of a few deaths caused by ALS who were either members of local police departments or close family members of police I know.
And then it was discovered that Bryan Rickards – K9 Officer from Abington- had been diagnosed with ALS in February of this year (after almost a year of searching for an answer as to why his body seemed to be going wonky).
I first met Bryan a long time ago – when I was a Store Detective (security guard – but store detective sounds much more exciting).
I LOVED that job. It was probably the most fun I’ve ever had at a job. I worked for Bloomingdales in the Willow Grove Mall.
Bryan would often stop by to visit (as would many Abington cops when they were bored). He always made me and my co-workers laugh. He was always funny, optimistic, cheerful. And almost always had a crazy story.
I never had a close relationship with him and didn’t see him very much for years after I quit. Then a few years ago I started to see him once or twice a year at k9 events. Bryan is one of those people as soon as you see him – you can’t help but smile and be happy that he is around.
So when I learned he had ALS – I was heartbroken. And because my father had ALS, it always seems to strike me a bit more because I am all too familiar with the disease.
Lately, I’ve known many sad situations with friends being diagnosed with cancer, friends having strokes, one young death in the family (all w/in a few months). I’m starting to feel like I can’t do ENOUGH or say enough or pray enough (and I’m not even religious).
Bryan had written on his facebook that he doesn’t regard ALS as a punishment, but more as a gift, because it will give him time to heal relationships that need healing and time for him to make peace where needed.
And that was really the only serious thing he has said. He’s been staying positive. His sense of humor is still as on point as ever. Truly, he is inspiring.
One day, last week, I’d shaved the sides of my head a little bit. And then I decided, “HEY, WHY NOT SHAVE MY HEAD!” in order to raise awareness for ALS and funds for Bryan’s Go Fund me that one of his co-worker’s wife had set up for Bryan and his family.
I even put had the barber shave a little Happy Face into the side because Bryan is trying to remain upbeat and happy, and – thinking at work, customers would ask me about it, and I could tell them about Bryan’s story.
Well. This was a bad, bad, bad, idea. It was a good intention, but for me, a bad idea.
Also, knowing Bryan, he probably would much more have appreciated and got a big laugh if I would have put my fake boobs into a pushup bra and wrote BUST ALS across them. Who knows, maybe that’s still an option (it would probably get much more likes and raise more awareness on Instagram than my buzzed/happyface haircut did). To which I thank the very few people who liked it (you know who you are!).
The short lesson of it is that, buzz cuts on girls (even with Happy Faces) does not inspire much conversation with my customers. At a somewhat conservative grocery store.
The cut does not look good on me.
My husband calls me Larry.
Though very kind people say, “Oh, you’ve got the face to pull it off!”
At work the first night, I was so uncomfortable (but never will I be as uncomfortable as Bryan or those struggling with serious illness). I learned many, many lessons about beauty that night and how it influences people. About how we present ourselves to the public and how it does make a difference. Only three people asked me about my hair/the shaved happy face.
The next shift, I wore a pink wig. Well. The pink wig got MANY compliments. Many people asked me about it, and I was able to mention Bryan and his inspirational perspective on ALS (as well as his GO FUND ME) much more frequently. Old people loved it, young people loved it. It was met with positive reaction.
Geez, instead of buzzing my hair, I should have just worn a pink wig!
But that’s what happens to me sometimes (and I’m sure it happens to other people as well) – we get so caught up, we want to DO something. Like last summer when one of my childhood best (and also funniest) friends lost her 17 year old daughter in an accident. I wanted to drive my car (which barely makes it thru inspection and every warning light is lit) half-way across the country to be there.
My husband said, “Don’t call me to come and pick you up when your car breaks down!” and my best friend said, “I’m working that weekend, so I couldn’t come and get you.” I was quite mad at my husband, but looking back, my childhood friend who had lost her lovely daughter was surrounded by a large family /friends and community and though I know she would have appreciated my support, I could support her just as I’d been doing by keeping in touch with her.
How much we should do, all depends on the person, too. Some people don’t want any attention. Some people don’t really want attention, but they appreciate small gestures. Sometimes it’s hard to gauge. And some people want to bring awareness to their disease (watch the movie Gleason for a very inspiring movie about ALS). There is no right or wrong way to handle an illness. And I’m sure each person has their own unique experience.
But the one thing I have learned, from my father, and now, reiterated by Bryan, is that it is all about perspective. It is all about silver linings. It’s all about finding humor where and when you can. It’s about turning every obstacle into an opportunity; to bring awareness, knowledge, to make someone laugh, to make someone feel valued, to give someone inspiration. Some might want to reach out and be inspiring to the world, and some might just want to be inspiring to those who are closest to them. But I think that the ability to rise above an illness that that is truly a son-of-a-bitch, is really one of the only ways to not let it get the best of you. Not everyone can rise. (Surely, I don’t think I would). But everyone can try. And there are many inspirational people like Bryan to lead the way.
Please consider donating to Bryan Rickards Go Fund Me. If you don’t have the money, please just consider posting it on facebook or passing alone the information, or praying for him and his family.
“We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” -Viktor Frankl
Below is a poster you can copy and ask to hang it at work or anywhere you think it might help.
Officer Bryan Rickards has served the residents of Abington Township as a Police Officer for the past 19 years. Officer Rickards and his K-9 partner Ivan, are an award winning team, trained in narcotics detection, and patrol operations certified.
On February 16, 2017, Officer Rickards was given the devastating news that he had been diagnosed with ALS (Amyotrophic Laterals Sclerosis). This is a rare and progressively debilitating disease that will prevent him from ever being able to return to work as a police officer.
Bryan has 3 young children, and could really use all the help he can get. The Abington Township Police Association is collecting money to assist in defraying medical costs both current and future and support his family. All proceeds will go directly to Officer Rickards and his family. There is a GoFundMe page, along with a Beef and Beer fundraiser scheduled for April 8, 2017 have been set up to do just that!
Donations are also being accepted by the Abington Township Police Association (A.T.P.A.), PO Box 211, Abington, PA 19001.
Help spread the word! https://www.gofundme.com/ofc-bryan-rickards-als-fight
|Marshmallow Crispy Oreos|
I have had a million jobs.
I’m an Autistic Lesbian.
Because a lawyer told me that.
Not just any lawyer, but a Conservative Lawyer.
What is it about me that screams Lesbian? My fake boobs? My love of glitter and the color pink? My “Veterans Before Refugees” GruntStyle t-shirt? My heart shaped sunglasses?
I don’t think I’m autistic.
And maybe a bit over the top when it comes to my obsession with binders (as in the type of binders you find in office supply stores…not the type of binders in Fifty Shades of Grey).
But I know autistic people who are much better and smarter than I am.
So calling me an “Autistic Lesbian” and thinking it would somehow hurt my feelings was a mistake.
A YUGGE mistake.
And a compliment. I know plenty of fabulous lesbians. And Autistic people. So, I’m honored to be in such great company.
One thing I do believe in is freedom of speech.
I’m anti-political correctness.
I don’t believe in banning of books.
I worked in EMS, so I know that crude humor and language is not meant (for the most part) to be taken seriously. It’s a joke. It’s a way to relieve tremendous stress from the job.
Firehouse humor is firehouse humor.
There is no hidden agenda.
There is no racism or discrimination.
I dislike hypocrites.
You tell me how to act or behave? You damn well better do it yourself.
If there is anything I hate worse than burnt bacon, it’s people who are defined by the motto “Do as I say, NOT as I do.”
And I have hated myself many times because I told this to my children.
(And I am so sorry.)
I’ve also learned, through much experience, that character is the key to happiness.
That living in harmony with what you say you value in life, is the key to happiness.
That contradiction is not only confusing, it corrupts our common sense. It halts our progress. It decays our courage and our confidence.
I apologize; I’m losing focus – as I find that I often do lately.
Is it my age? Or Autism?
I’m not sure.
To. Be. Continued.
Thank you for your patience.
This is the comment from the “Conservative” lawyer who calls himself Josh Smith (prior to that, Daniel J. Nusbaum.) This contributes to the story that our common sense and character has been hijacked. More to follow. This will make sense. Eventually.
Time for me to go “eat a dick.”
I will share with you my recent experience about my broken heart – misplaced trust. But. It is the Fourth of July. So here’s a video about why I love the holiday. It does have to do with trust. But today should be a day of celebration and gratitude. Plenty of time for bitching later in the week! Haha.
I’m such a sucker.
From dating horrible guys to marrying the wrong guy(s) – you’d think I’d have learned by now who to trust.
But, in fairness, we learn as we go along.
And, in fairness, I recognize danger much more quickly than I once did (perhaps it’s because I rarely drink anymore?).
Perhaps it’s because as I’ve become older, I rarely feel the overwhelming desire for status.
Seeking status is human nature, but it’s very easy to corrupt your character for the risk of Being Number One (or, number 20. Just as long as you’re not on the bottom heap).
I’d by lying if I said I still didn’t care about status, however, not as much as I once did.
I do still care about looking good and striving to do my best, but that’s not about status, that’s about wanting to be the best person I can be. That’s human nature.
For me, being the ‘best person I can be’ also includes warning people when I spot frauds and phonies.
When I have bad experiences.
Yes, being nice is GOOD. It’s wonderful. And 95% of the time, I am really nice. At least, I hope I am.
Being nice is actually EASY. It rarely pisses anyone off (except atheists – they are really never happy anyway. Unless they are watching Star Wars).
Stepping up and disagreeing with or questioning popular organizations or people is not a fun place to be caught in.
But, one thing I have tried extremely hard to do is tell the truth. Because I want to be able to trust someone else. I want to be able to let my guard down and just enjoy myself, or pursue goals.
I want someone to not only believe in, but I want to TRUST that person or organization. You waste a-lot of energy when you are unable to trust.
You lose focus when you lose trust.
You lose freedom when you lose trust and faith in whatever it is you believed in, because you then spend time chiding yourself for believing in that person (or organization) for the time you wasted when you could have been with someone (or something else).
Your heart breaks.
Isn’t there someone, anyone, anywhere, that will give you a soft place to land when you’ve had turbulence in your life?
And when do you, as a person, stop providing a soft place to land for that person, that family, that friend, that job, that has abused your trust and your heart?
And how can you trust yourself to make the right choices in the future?
Who can you believe in anymore?
Well, I have the answer.
And I also want to admit my latest stupid disappointment – mostly in myself for not having known better in the first place.
And I’ll tell you tomorrow.