I’m Dying (Again)

I am certain that I’m going to die soon.
I have to have surgery to remove my meniscus.
Now, listen, to any other person, surgery like this is not a big deal.
But I am not like any other person.
I am overly dramatic.
I also have a cardiac history which I was assured was “nothing” only to discover upon waking up after surgery to have my breasts enlarged (by far the most ridiculous thing I’ve done) that I went into bigeminy and trigemniy while under anesthesia. I also have a tendency to turn anemic, and I have low blood pressure.
So now, anytime I have to have anesthesia, I freak out. I still have my wisdom teeth and was advised to have them removed. But they aren’t causing problems, so I don’t want to take the chance of going under.
I was supposed to have a colonoscopy. Nope. It’s not going to happen. I’m never going to do it. Not unless I’m in so much pain that the fear of being in constant pain lessens the fear of dying on the table. Case in point: I had a complete hysterectomy. I took the chance of dying on the table rather than living with the debilitating symptoms.
Now, the interesting thing is: prior to my hysterectomy, I was sick for almost a year. My blood work correlated to the fact that something was causing my extreme fatigue. I couldn’t take a shower without getting out of breath. Could barely walk the dogs without wheezing. After testing, bumping up my iron, things improved. But in the meantime, the tests had revealed a lesion on my liver, a large diverticulum on my duodenum (I still really do not understand what that means but my GI guy said stop worrying about it, so finally, I did), and a cyst on my ovary that never went away and others that had bled and left scars.
I really became convinced I was dying. And with that in mind, I started to question my life choices. I’d read a series of books that had provided many brilliant insights to how my life might have been more…successful. Might have saved me from a whole hell of a lot of embarrassing choices and mistakes that had been chronic. Would have made me a better parent. A better person.
So I threw a book together as fast as I could and called it “Something that Will Change Your Life.” I took a pen name: Moxie Will (because listen, if people can self-identify as different RACES, surely, I can choose a different name).
I’ve always loved the name Moxie, and believed it fit my personality: quirky, colorful, strives to be courageous. And Will: because I truly believe self-determination is the key to happiness. We makes the human race unique is that we are born with the ability to control our own thoughts, our own attitude. But we’ve been conditioned to believe that we are not capable of making our own good choices. That we are damaged and hardwired to fail; we aren’t really responsible for our actions –we’ll be doomed no matter what we choose, so why not choose pleasure as often as possible!
But as I honestly reviewed my life and my choices, I realized my thoughts had been highly influenced by society: Madonna’s “Like A Virgin” video was released when I was 16 years old. And the articles I read in Teen magazines had less to do with respecting your body by NOT having sex and focused more on “the right of young women to choose to HAVE sex.”
But mostly, it was the books I’d read and movies I’d watched: everything had to do with love. Love was the thing that made the world go around. Finding a person to love you was finding someone who would provide you with a soft landing when the sea of life got too rough.
My parents had been a product of their upbringing and the generation that always sided with adults and placed little value on their kids feelings.
Being the curious and outspoken kid I was growing up; I was often in trouble for question authority (I know, can you believe it?). My parents almost always sided with the ‘grownups.’ – so I was eager to find someone to stick up for me, fight for me – someone like the love interest in almost all the books I read and the movies and TV shows I watched.
Obviously, I didn’t die. I ended up having a hysterectomy and came through with flying colors.
Only now that I was better, the immediacy of getting the lessons I’d learned (so that hopefully, others might make less mistakes and have more satisfaction and happiness in their lives) was not so immediate.
And then my fear of looking stupider than I usually do – which could possibly cause my husband to divorce me (which, would then take away my medical insurance!) – which could alienate my children (who are already embarrassed by ¾ of what I do and say), fear and self-preservation wormed it’s way into mindset.
Also, I was no longer the fun girl. I cared more about striving to be good; to be better, than to be out drinking, partying, shopping, being entertained. To me, learning WAS fun. (Oh my god, maybe I have brain cancer). I focused on history and little known books from the 1950’s and 60’s.
I had all these IDEAS. I have binders full of notes. Full of highlights. Full of writing. Yet, I was too afraid to put anything out there.
I don’t really fit anywhere.
I’m not religious, though I very much respect and admire those who practice.
I’m spiritual in a naturey sort of way.
I’m more Conservative in my values. I believe in tradition. Yet, I’m still, under it all, a rebel who questions the status quo. I’m a huge believer in personal freedom. It shouldn’t be about anyone controlling anyone – it should be about teaching people the value of character and courage and common sense, so that when they are faced with temptations of temporary escape and excessive pleasure; they are aware of the long term consequences to their spirit, their character, and ultimately, their happiness.
When I didn’t die from a mystery disease, when I didn’t die from surgery, a part of my rebel spirit did die.
When I had convinced myself I might be , probably was, dying, I felt free to be myself – to continue to rebel!
When I woke up after surgery (and it takes a-while to heal from a hysterectomy) I was very aware of my mortality.
When I was young and a rebel; it didn’t worry me too much; I still had plenty of time to find a partner and/or become so successful I wouldn’t have to worry about where I’d live and how I’d survive.
Then I started to notice the crows feet, my body started complaining, and I had not become wildly successful.
I did/do have a partner, however. He was/is getting a bit tired of my creativity AND his buying the groceries. I had my own money, but it was not very much. Okay, it’s actually so little that I have stopped even going to consignment shops, coloring my hair, and avoid any celebration that requires giving gifts (which, let’s be honest, the whole gift thing is WAY OUT OF HAND, even people who can easily afford giving gifts agree with me). He has been hoping his support will pay off. I think he’s starting to have more hope in winning the lottery.
The bad news is: I need to have surgery.
The good news is: I again, believe I’m going to die during the operation; it gives me an excuse to worry less about making a fool out of myself, and concentrate more on helping people realize what the difference is between a significant life and a superior life, and what long held beliefs and influences are holding them back from true happiness.
The bad news is: I have no plan of implementation. I am not totally focused. I absolutely know I’m going to embarrass myself (that’s good entertainment for you though, right!).
And if I DO die, well hell, hopefully my message will reach many more people much faster and I’ll save the world after all! Or at least the part that isn’t 100% committed to the Kardashians.

So stay tuned. Though I don’t have a concrete plan, I DO intend to blog every day until the surgery. To share things I’ve experienced. I plan on writing about Tinder. Sex. (Okay, I guess they are the same thing). All the Liberal Things I’ve Done. Hypocrite City. How Forgiveness is Mostly Bullshit. Why we should stop celebrating everything. And much more…

And if I don’t die; then at least I will be farther than I would have been by keeping everything bottled up until I was able to formulate the “perfect” plan. I will know that, once again, I’m facing life in my quirky, somewhat courageous way, and if my husband divorces me, at least I’ll have two good knees to continue dancing through life. In consignment store (but fabulous!) shoes, of course.

Obama To Talk At Rodon Hatfield, Pa

Obama will be visiting a local company owned by Joel Glickman.

On Friday, November 30, he’ll be at the Rodon manufacturing facility; 2800 Sterling Drive in Hatfield.

Mr Glickman, according to stories, keeps his manufacturing in the USA.

But if Obama is such a cheerleader for the USA – why did Obama make Jeff Immelt  (CEO of G.E.) the President of his jobs council? GE hasn’t paid taxes and ships jobs to China! Can you say total HYPOCRISY?

Is Obama still on the campaign trail? Why isn’t he in Washington “rolling up his sleeves” to bring both sides together in regards to the “looming fiscal cliff…”

Why? Because he’s all about photo ops – not hard work.

Instead of tackling Entitlements, he’d rather start class warfare and rage against the wealthy. Dis-unity causes people to be angry and look for a solution – and then Obama promises to be that “solution.”

Oh yes, taxing the 2% will keep pay Washington’s bills – for 8 whole days. Wowza.

Obama is no different than Bush when it comes to crony capitalism. Bush was about banks & finance – and Obama puts all tax payer money into Green Companies owned by big Obama bundlers/donaters.

Hey, at least Bush put money into companies that are still around – unlike Obama who has wasted billions on bankrupt green companies. Here are the top 15 Bankrupt (that OUR money went to financing thanks to Obama) …

Coach Andy Reid and Obama are total failures who continue in a position of power because people refuse to acknowldege reality,they follow blindly and continue to believe in luck.

Believing  Obama will lead this Country into prosperity is about as smart as believing Andy Reid will lead the Eagles to the Super Bowl.

Male Democrat Attacks Female Romney Supporter at Synagogue

This summer, I attended an Democrat Event at Congregation Keneseth Israel. The Obama administration has treated not only ALL Americans horribly with his failed policies, but the Jewish population he has specifcally pandered to while his actions (returning to Palestine Borders, Disrespecting PM Netanyahu (click here for more details) 

To say I was shocked at the large turnout despite how Obama has treated Jews, would be an understatement. Did you know Hitler was so confident in the snow job he did on the public, that Jews could leave the country freely…and yet, they chose to stay, so blinded…

The Jews motto after Hitler is “Never Again!” – and yet – they see ALL of Obama’s actions against Israel – and his help of the Muslim Brotherhood and they fall all over themselves to kiss his feet.  Zombies? Stupid? Ignorant?

I think a mixture of all 3.

I stood outside holding a poster listing things Obama has killed (like jobs, the economy, coal, the USA citizens (one a teenager)  killed in a Drone attack) – and the very “tolerant” Left had some very hostile things to say to me…and one man got physical with me (see the video below). The Drudge Report and Breitbart.Com posted the video to show the intolerance  and hypocrisy Democrat war on Women, anyone?) – but even though I, along with several people, sent the video to local newspapers and news stations  they didn’t touch it. The better to help Obama – and hinder Jews.

The Republican Jewish Coalition is having a  Townhall Meeting at the same location. I do hope I see some Democrats who I saw during the summer, that have woken from their Zombie sleep and finally realized Obama is NO friend to hard working Americans, and certainly no friend to Jews and Christians.

Save the Date: Thursday, November 1
Join us for an important Town Hall Meeting
The Jewish & Pro-Israel Community at a Crossroads –
Critical Issues & Choices Facing the U.S. & Israel in 2012
featuring; Senator Norm Coleman Former, White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer, RJC Executive Director Matt Brooks.

Registration begins at 6:30 pm
Program begins promptly at 7:00 pm

Congregation Keneseth Israel
8339 Old York Rd.
Elkins Park, PA 19027

For more info about the Townhall Meeting, click HERE